Frustrated

Wow I haven't written in here in a while. Things that have been going on.

Brandon has had his first Birthday. We had it at a pool, He loves to swim and I wanted to find a place were all ages could have a good time with him. Since most of the family children are alot older then him. We had a great time. Except when I had the candle lite and instead of helping me blow it out Brandon Decided to grab it and burnt his little hand. Not bad thank god but it scared the crap out of me.

Then in May we all Went to Kona Hawaii. That was so fun. I knew we would have fun but I didnt know I would love it so much there. Kona is not as huge a tourist place as some of the other islands so it was not as crowded as it could of been. We rented a house with some friends and it was backed right to the ocean. We had a great time.

Brandon is not a fan of the waves. They scare him when they come crashing, and even the sound scared him after a while as he figured out what it ment. He did how ever love to play in the sand. Only put it in his mouth once lol. All in all we had a great time and will probably go back when he is older.

In June Bill and I started Medifast. This is a diet kinda like nutrasystem but much better. You have Bar's and shakes for 5 meals and 1 lean and green meal a day. A friend of ours started it and lost 50 lbs in like 2 months. So we have high hopes for this diet.

Bill and I talked about goals we wanted to set for our selves. He wanted to do a short term one of 50 lbs by pax's. That is in the end of Aug. I told him that I wanted to try for another Baby. We still have those 2 frozen babies at the clinic.

So we agreed that if I can get myself down to 200 lbs then we can try for #2. At the time this seems like the perfect deal. I was so excited at the Rate our friend was going I could be there in like 3-4 months.

I started out weighing 312. I didnt have as hard of a time as Bill did probably because of my lap band. which I also had tightened. This didnt seem to be any different feeling. The first order came and most of the food was not that good. but you can change things each order and I think I finally have it down to where I like most of the food. So its been alittle over 2 months and I was expecting to have lost about half my goal by now.

But that is the problem when you try and expect your loss on some one else's progress. We kept stricter to the diet then our friend but were losing less when he did. I dont know what he did different then us but we are not losing as quickly.

I know what you are thinking as you read this. Its not healthy to lose a lot so fast. Well Im sorry but I say F you all for thinking that. I want it gone fast. I want to try for my next little blessing. I am getting older and I didn't want there to be a big gap between Brandon and his sibling to be.

If it doesn't work at all then that will be it, and Brandon will be an only child. I know that is a possiblity and haven been trying to prepare myself for that reality, but who am I kidding if it doesnt work I will probably be sad. But I know I will be ok as I have to be strong for Brandon and Bill.

If you know me though you know I am not patient in the least. I hate waiting for anything. It doesnt matter what its for. And this being such a big thing its driving me nuts. And know its even worse.

Every one around me is trying for their 2nd or getting pregnant. First my Dr who is the one that helped me know it was ok to try again with fertility Dr's was able to get pregnant with out the help or the Dr this time around. I am truly happy for her, I am but I cant help wishing that I was in her shoes too. Then I find out my Cousin is expecting another. This will make 4 for him. And that My other cousin is expecting her 3rd living Child. She is 18 weeks and never said anything until now. I can under stand that though as she can have a hard time keeping her pregnancy going.

Im happy for all if them but as a selfish person all i can think of is me and what I want. I know im bad and have nothing to complain about. I have the most wonderful life. I have a husband who I love and adore more then I thought could even be possible. He treats me so good, and He is always working so hard to make sure we have everything we want.

I have a the best son any mom could ever have. He is the cutest and most charming boy in the world. He loves me so much. It feels so good when he runs to me anything he is scared or worried about anything. He at this moment chooses me over daddy. Although I some times feel bad for daddy I know that later in life this will probably change and it feels great to me so loved.

I would love to give our family a sister though. And I know I will get to my goal weight which will get me to the possible baby I want so bad. Im just frustrated with the weight loss rate and that ever one around me is able to just have another baby. Its not their fault that they can just get pregnant and that I feel this way but please understand I can not turn off my feelings either.

I have lost 40lbs in the last 2 months so at this rate I have about 4 more months to go before I hit it and then there is the money. We are saving up for a house so by then we should have a home hopefully but that also mean that we probably wont have the 3 grand that it takes to do a frozen transfer. But it will happen when it does. or so I keep telling myself. So until then I will just keep doing what Im doing with the medifast, and try not to get sad and depressed when I hear about my family and friends who are expecting. and hardest of all try and be happy for them, because after all this is a happy thing they are going through and I would want them to be happy for me. Please understand its just hard for me. But I love you all and I really am truly happy for you and your babies. I just want the same for me.

WOW its been a LONG time

Well I dont think any one out there reads this so I dont feel to bad, but here is an update anyway.

IVF worked for us. We did IVF back in aug 2009. We had our Son Brandon Thomas Richard Hayden on April 23 2010.

He is now about 9 months old and is amazing. He can say a few words, mostly da da. he can crawl and walk along the couch and walls. he can even stand unassisted for a few seconds. I dont know how big he is right now since his 9 month appointment isnt for another few weeks but last time we did get his measurements he was in the 90th percentile.

He is a good baby and doesn't often go all emo. lol We are having issues right now with getting him to go to sleep at night and for nap times. He use to go to sleep just fine. We would hold him until he had been asleep for about 30 mins and then be able to put him in his crib and he would sleep there all night.

Then we went on vacation for 3 weeks and he had to sleep with us as there was no crib for him to sleep in. I guess he got to use to that. every time we would try and put him down he would wake the instant his head would hit the mattress.

So now we have started the bed time ritual and he gets a bottle at 8pm then I read to him and we put him down in his crib and he cries it out. I remember when he was alot younger and I said to my self im never got to have to do that cry it out thing. Yeah well that was just one of the thing i started out saying we wont have to do and we now do.

Im already starting to try and figure out what we are going to do for his first bday party. Its only a few months away. It just bogles my mind that my little baby is almost a year old now.

Well he is getting restless so I better go. Sorry I dont have time to go back and edit this to I hope it makes since.